Home PROBLEMS DUE TO DIFFERENT RESPONSES IN PARTNERS
DISPARITY IN DESIRE FOR SEX
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Most relationships start off with 'mindless passion' of lust, when both partners can't get enough sex. That usually gives way to a warmer, deeper, more meaningful relationship where sex is an expression of that love, with mutual love, respect, caring, trust and shared interests.
The male partner is usually more enthusiastic for sex than the female partner in a long term relationship, which can make the woman feel under continuous pressure. They may come to compromise, but there can be resentment on both sides. He may resent her inexplicable reluctance for a pleasurable activity, and she may resent what she considers to be his insatiable sexual appetite. Problems with sexual response may be based on this disparity of desire for sexual activity between men and women. In many instances in working with couples who have problems, it has been noted that a man may desire sexual intercourse three times as often as his partner- whether it be the desire for 3 times a week or a month, his partner may only be fully responsive on one out of those 3 occasions. It is important to understand this disparity and how to deal with it, as it has often become the basis of problems between many couples in their sexual relationship.
1]. On the occasion when both partners desire sexual intercourse they usually experience no difficulty and both may experience orgasm.
2 ]. the man desires sex but his partner does not feel turned on at all. She has 3 choices:
- reject him [she feels guilty, he feels rejected]
- do him a favour [men do not enjoy this, and women don’t enjoy ‘being used’]
- acknowledge her lack of desire for sex, and make him aware that she does not feel like genital but rather sensual touching, and indicate to him how she would like to be caressed [in whatever way she feels inclined at the time], and in a loving way she can stimulate his genitals to bring him to climax. She may find that she becomes aroused once she relaxes into the intimate contact, and can then indicate that she too would like to be stimulated or go onto intercourse.
This can be likened to their different appetites for food:
For example if the man says he is going to have a cup of tea and a sandwich and offers her the same, she may say she is not hungry but would like a cup of tea. She does not have to eat because he is hungry and he does not have to starve because she is not hungry- both can satisfy their appetites by communicating effectively [3].
3] They both become aroused and the man has a climax but his partner does not. This is not uncommon, and they should recognise that this does not mean that he has failed to 'give her an orgasm', or that she has 'failed' to achieve one, but that most women only climax on every second or third sexual encounter, and this should not be a cause for concern,and most women will say that they enjoy the intimacy and sexual arousal even if it does not lead to orgasm. The reassurance that this is not abnormal helps them both to accept that it is not something to be avoided, and that it is not essential that sex should lead to orgasm on every occasion as this places an undue demand ‘to perform’ on both partners. Sex can be so much more fun without being ‘goal orientated’.
This type of explanation helps couples to overcome the problems caused by this disparity and relieves the tension in the relationship.
Occasionally couples present when the woman has more frequent desire then her partner, and this illustration can be used in just the same way, reversing the roles.
