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ASSIGNMENTS
SENSATE FOCUS
[PLEASURING EXERCISES]
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Sensate focus [focussing on sensation] removes the demand to perform or achieve, and allows intimacy to be associated with pleasure in a relaxed way which reduces anxiety and fear of unsatisfactory intercourse that was previously produced by physical contact.
It is an exercise in giving and receiving pleasure that enables you and your partner to experience, interpret, communicate and enhance sensuous feelings without having to achieve anything else. Intercourse is prohibited during this time and allows you to accept, express and enhance pleasurable feelings and enjoy the physical pleasure for it's own sake. It is the basis of sexual communication – a body language in which both of you become aware of your own and your partner’s sensual pleasure and needs.
Sensate Focus Exercises:
Atmosphere: Each partner should take it in turns to set the scene and make a “pleasure date”. Pleasuring should take place in a warm, comfortable room with undisturbed privacy. You may choose to enhance the atmosphere with music or candlelight. You can choose a room other than the bedroom if you feel that it is linked with “failure”.
First unwind from the tensions of the day by relaxing or taking a warm bath. Be prepared to devote 30-40 minutes daily on alternate days - you may consider a “trade-in” of one television programme! A soft light should ensure that you have the visual pleasure of each other’s bodies.
You should both be undressed to minimise distraction or erotic arousal. If you are uncomfortable about nudity, you may start caressing whilst clothed, and on the next occasion shower together, and dry each other.
The following suggestions should be tried: lie close together, relax, enjoy the intimacy and practice breathing in unison. Focus on odours and the warmth and sight of each other’s bodies.
The partner who is most comfortable with sexuality should start pleasuring, while the receiving partner lies passive, face down.
Breasts, genitals and mouth are not to be touched and intercourse must not take place.
Passive Exercise: The giver is able to enjoy caressing the partner without any pressure to perform, and enjoy the pleasure of feeling free to do this. The giver starts stroking the least threatening areas, for example the head, face and neck, and extends to shoulders and arms and then feet, calves, and thighs, using fingertips, palms and lips. At first the giver concentrates on how to touch different parts of the partner’s body while the receiver is passive and comments only if something is unpleasant. After about 10 minutes, roles are changed.
Active Receiving: Then the receiver indicates by word, gesture or moving the partner’s hands, those touches that are pleasurable or not, guiding to alter pressure, speed, rhythm and areas of touch. There should be no guessing! In this way you both discover what it feels like to tune in to your own sensations, and the receiver learns to assert his or her needs that will improve those sensations. If you feel that tension is aroused, guide your partner to pause or withdraw and gradually return, until that sensation can be tolerated comfortably before proceeding.
Do 2 exercises [each passive and active] lying on the tummy and then 2 exercises lying on the back.
Body lotions or oil: can be used to intensify and vary sensations by adding dimensions of cold, wet, smooth, creamy, taste and smell.
Take turns in giving, and then receiving, passively then actively. Reverse roles after 10 to 15 minutes and avoid boredom. Constant feedback is important, particularly if one partner has previously withdrawn or merely tolerated activities if something was not enjoyable, for fear of upsetting the other.
It is not intended that sensate focus exercises should produce erotic arousal or lead to intercourse, or that you discover a particularly pleasurable area and stick to it, but rather that you explore sensations, accept, and express them, move on and enhance continuously. If sexual arousal occurs, this should be communicated to your partner and both enjoy a relaxed pause before resuming pleasuring. If orgasm is imminent, stop any form of stimulation until the feeling passes, and then continue sensuous pleasuring.
