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“Coming out is not an event.  It is a long path along which you will travel for the rest of your life, the trip becoming easier, the rewards more gratifying as you progress.” [12].

In the “Coming Out” Booklet [13] compiled by the J. Livingston of the Durban Lesbian and Gay Community and Health Centre, he describes the act of coming out as a dynamic process that consists of consists of a series of developmental stages. Although these stages are not absolute, not the same for each individual and not absolutely defined by specific age-developments, they should be taken into account and acknowledged:

Sensitisation
People in this stage usually have feelings of being different to other people of the same sex. Such a realization can be relatively sudden and can lead to a period of intense anxiety. People in this stage may recognize that they are not very interested in people of the opposite sex. They may also feel disinterested in the things or activities, which are ‘supposed’ to be ‘appropriate’ for their sex. People in this stage generally feel like outsiders who don’t particularly fit in anywhere. Sensitisation often occurs during early adolescence when the nature of the interaction between the sexes begins to change.

Confusion about identity
Identity confusion occurs when one’s internal experience and feelings don’t correspond with the external expectations of one’s family, peers, culture and society as a whole. This confusion, usually occurring during adolescence, is influenced by the belief that they have somehow ‘changed’ and so has their relationships with the people around them. Persons experiencing this type of emotional upheaval tend to use various strategies for coping. Such strategies could include:
(i)  attempting to deny thoughts and feelings which remind them that they have homosexual inclinations;
(ii)  attempting to distance themselves from various behaviours or activities that could arouse suspicion in close relatives, friends, or colleagues.
(iii)  attempting to avoid thoughts and feelings through the strong expression of homophobia, or by turning to alcohol or drugs in a desperate attempt to find a temporary escape or relief.
Such strategies for coping often serve to prevent the person from getting any information or indication that will confirm his or her suspicions about his or her sexual orientation. It is for this reason why some individuals seek heterosexual relationships, despite having absolutely no sexual or emotional interest in them, in an attempt to ‘convert’ themselves, and/or conceal their homosexuality from others. Similarly, some individuals may even describe their homosexual feelings and experiences as a temporary ‘phase’, something which will soon pass. But as time passes, the individual begins to realize this is simply not the case. They also tend to find that their moods, and feelings are constantly shifting as they begin to feel more or less certain about their identity.

Assuming a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender Identity
To live with ‘identity confusion’ is both emotionally exhausting as well as potentially destructive. This period or stage tends to be followed quite quickly by the stage in which the individual comes to accept his or her LGBT identity and are able to express it in a positive way. These individuals tend to actively seek out other LGBT people, support, reading material, and social settings. People in this stage come to realize that ‘coming-out’ is a central aspect of ‘WHO I AM’, and, ‘HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE’. Homosexuality is increasingly seen as a valid way of life and is something that could bring contentment. Individuals often have the experience of falling in love and forming new relationships during this time which enables them to feel more confident, fulfilled and able to with withstand social stigma and fight for their rights. People in this stage tend to come to the realization that their sexuality and identity is something they can feel proud of. An expression of this can be clearly seen in the annual PRIDE march.

Why Do Some Gay Men, Lesbians and Bisexuals Tell People About Their Sexual Orientation? – “Coming out”.
Hiding who you are in the fear of being rejected leaves the homosexual/bisexual person locked up in the “closet” and with a reality of leading two lives – the life they are expected to and that are within the norms and guidelines of society and the a secret life where they are who they truly are.

According to Signorile [12] - “Living their lives in “the closet” robs them of a full, rewarding life and forces them to live in fear and shame…What coming-out really means is no longer worrying about being “discovered” by friends, family, or coworkers.”   Every human being has the right to live a rewarding and full life without fear and shame.

Come out towards self first [14]: The inner struggle with gay/bisexual feelings can easily lead to a loss of a sense of balance and perspective.  Homosexuals and bisexuals cannot expect other people to accept his or her sexual orientation if the person demonstrates self-hate.  Self-acceptance as a person with a right to live and with certain qualities will enable him or her to make a difference.

Coming out towards other gay/bisexual people [14]: Contact with other gays/bisexuals will create opportunities where the person can be who he/she is without fear of being rejected – creating a support network.  It is however important to acknowledge that like heterosexuals one has the right to choose associations - people with the same values and norms.

Coming out towards straight (heterosexual) friends [14]: The following pointers can be useful for the homosexual/bisexual to bear in mind before coming out:

  1. Who you would want to tell
  2. Why you want to tell that person
  3. What would you want that person to know
  4. How you hope that person will respond
  5. How you fear that person might respond
  6. What you will do and feel after either a positive or negative reception.
After contemplating these pointers and the homosexual/bisexual person feels confident and prepared to deal with coming out towards a specific person, it is advisable to come out.

Coming out towards the family [14]:
In preparation to coming out to the family is often for homosexuals/bisexuals one of the most difficult but needed processes.  Family acceptance is important in breaking the cycle of lies and strengthening the relationships with the people where they need to feel they belong.  This process is often filled with anxiety, fear and risks of being rejected.  The following pointers might be useful to assist the process and enhance understanding:

  1. Bear in mind that parents and other family members were also raised in a homophobic society.  By the time the homosexual/bisexual shares his/her “secret”, he/she has been in the struggle of accepting his/her sexual orientation for some time.  Revealing his/her socially “threatening” identity will most probably be new and received with shock - be patient with them.
  2. Parents have certain expectations for their children and often see them as an extension of themselves.  When the child does not meet those expectations, they might experience a part of themselves as being a failure.
  3. Avoid having an aggressive defensive attitude.  An attempt to try and understand and show empathy for the fears and emotions underlying their behaviour and comments will have a more constructive effect.  Comments of rejection and blame are usually only symptoms of self-blame and hurt projected towards the gay/bisexual person.  
  4. Conversations to find the origin of the homosexuality/bisexuality have the possibility to cause more pain than being constructive.  The actual challenge is to lead parents and family members to accept the reality.
  5. Convey the message that you are still the same person.  The only difference is that they see the complete picture now – “They know your secret now!  You had to tell them in order to live a full and honest life also in their presence.”

General Consideration When Coming Out:
Livingston [13] set out general considerations for the homosexual/bisexual/transgender person to bear in mind through the coming out process. These considerations are mere guidelines [4] [6]:

  1. It is extremely critical for you to consider your own safety first before ‘coming-out’.
  2. The choice to ‘come-out’ should always be yours. Under no circumstances should you be forced to ‘come-out’ when you are clearly not ready.
  3. Being fearful of negative reactions, rejection and causing distress to loved ones is considered to be normal and often justifiable.
  4. Try to seek out positive role models who have already ‘come-out’.
  5. It is very important to consider when and where you plan to come out. Timing is crucial.
  6. When deciding to ‘come-out’ it is advisable to take some time to become secure with your identity, to identify suitable people to ‘come-out’ to, and to carefully consider the possible consequences of ‘coming-out’ to these people.
  7. When choosing whom to ‘come-out’ to first, it is important that you select someone whom you can trust, and is supportive. This person must be able to respect your privacy and show an appreciation for your safety. He or she should be the least likely to be shocked, threatened or put off by your ‘revelation’. You need someone who is a good listener, and is non-judgemental.
  8. It is often better that you test the waters first by ‘coming-out’ to a supportive teacher, colleague or close friend before talking to your parents. This will provide good practice on what you will want to say and how you will handle negative feedback.
  9. It is also preferable to test the waters by seeing what people’s general opinions of gay and lesbian people are before you disclose to them. See how they feel about gay and lesbian developments that have been given media coverage. This is often helpful in terms of letting you gauge their feelings and opinions before actually telling them about yourself.
  10. Be prepared to answer a lot of questions. It is therefore advisable for you to consider how much information you already have and how much you still need.
  11. It is important for you to keep in mind that there is no way you can guess the exact response your family, friends or colleagues will give you. There are a variety of responses, which may range from shock, anger, sadness, guilt and denial to acceptance, curiosity, support, understanding and love.
  12. It is advisable that you prepare yourself adequately before you come-out to someone. You need to prepare yourself for what you want to say, how you will respond to questions or negative reactions, and how you will conduct yourself if your safety becomes an issue. Rehearsing in front of the mirror or with a counsellor is often recommended.
  13. If your disclosure does not go according to plan, you should not take it personally and see it as a failure. Do not be too harsh or too critical on yourself. Sometimes we have to admit to ourselves that we don’t always have control over everything.
  14. If you do not know someone you can safely ‘come-out’ to, you should then consider talking to a school counsellor, a therapist, or a trained counsellor at a gay and lesbian organization.
  15. Do not be afraid to access and utilize support and legal services should the need ever arise. Support groups can serve to reduce anxiety and minimize feelings of isolation. On the other hand, legal advice could be sought to understand and enforce one’s rights.

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